From “They’re Impossible!” to Inner Quiet - Just by Listening to Myself

Ever catch yourself thinking:

“She’s so controlling.”      “He’s impossible.”       “They’re just unreasonable.”

Those quick judgments, what Marshall Rosenberg calls moralistic judgments or enemy images, close our heart in a heartbeat.

But there’s a quiet shift you can make just inside yourself. No verbal encounter with them required. 

Instead of staying with the label, pause and gently ask:

What did I actually see or hear?

How do I feel about it?

What need of mine is alive (and unmet) right now?

Example:

JUDGMENT: “He’s impossible — he never listens to anything I have to say!”

Internal shift:

OBSERVATION: In the last meeting, I shared an idea and he said no to it right away without discussion. 

FEELINGS: I feel frustrated and powerless 

UNMET NEEDS: I need consideration, understanding, to be heard and to feel like my perspective matters.

The moment you connect to your own feelings and needs, something eases.

The other person stops looking like “impossible” and starts looking like a human who might also have unmet needs.

And here’s the second gentle layer (still silent, still just in your heart):

Guess what they might have been feeling and needing in that moment.

Maybe he’s feeling overwhelmed and needs some rest… or unheard and needs to be understood first… or feeling anxious in order to fit the mold from those above him.

You don’t have to say any of it out loud.

Just holding that silent empathy inside you changes your energy.

The resentment fades.

The inner tension eases.

You see them as another person trying to meet needs…just like you.

This internal practice of self-empathy first, then silent empathy [towards another], is one of the most freeing things in Communication for Connection.

It doesn’t require anyone else to change. It just changes how you carry the moment.

It doesn’t mean you won’t have a conversation with them, but if you do, you will be coming from a place of self-connection and no moralistic judgement. You will have a much better chance of connecting with them and making a request that will get your needs met (And by the way, Marshall isn’t the only one who wrote about how harmful judging is:)

This is likely a new way of thinking about  things, so what do you think?

#CommunicationForConnection #SelfEmpathy #SilentEmpathy #FromJudgmentToUnderstanding #InnerPeace